Tasha Thought's #2

Good Touch Bad Touch 

"You were the mushiest child I'd ever seen.  That's how I knew you weren't getting what you needed at home."  

 

How does a child that is all about love, touch, hugs and kisses grow up to struggle with affection towards her husband and daughter?  Why was there a period where infidelity felt more comfortable than fidelity.

As a Trauma Specialist, I'm learning that we really don't need to get to the root of our trauma to heal.  However, as we heal the symptoms, the roots begin to expose themselves on their own time.  

My husband, our children and I were all in the kitchen just life-ing about 2 years ago.  My husband stood by the coffee counter and had a look that made it obvious his love tank was low- if not totally drained.  I felt convicted that I was doing a terrible job of keeping his love tank full.  I had spent so many years trying to balance love and not trusting that I was hurting.  We'd been married about 12 years at this point.  We'd been some years into our Redemption story.  But still... I could see his emptiness and even though he had never mentioned it, always being thankful for any affection I was willing to give, this standstill moment was a sign to me to get over myself and get some damn help.

Roman Zanoni is a guy I found on TikTok during a BUSY season.  We bought, remodeled, and sold a house in a year.  All while my husband made Chief in the Navy and I was a tutor for other homeschool families and my own.  How we remodeled that house with our own two hands in a year, I don't know.  How I found Roman, I don't know but Lord knows he was on-time.  Roman is a Trauma Recovery Specialist and founder of MindFreed.  His techniques are like nothing I've ever experienced.

I immediately made the next available appointment with Roman.  Somehow between sobs, he heard my symptoms and worked me through them as well as giving me rich info on how men work and how wives can use that to their advantage and for the good of her husband.  It's been nothing short of wonderful.  The hardest part is patience in learning.

Do you remember how I said in the beginning, we don't need to get to the root of our trauma, the roots will expose themselves?  Well last night, while my husband was giving me a bikini wax (hey- it's cheaper), it became very clear to me how traumatizing it is for HIM to give me a wax- but not the lady stranger at the wax salon.  My husband has NEVER physically hurt me... I don't think he's ever even stepped on my toe.  He is MY gentle giant.  So why, after 15 years of marriage, does his gentle touch make me uncomfortable?  What happened to the mushy little girl that loved touch?

That little girl rarely got gentle touch from her caregiver.  And when the first boy she liked touched her, he raped her.  Because the little girl had never had this type of communication with her mom, she hid it and tried to process what happened to her on her own.  There were many witnesses, word got back to the girl’s mother.  When her mother came to her, with a plastic rope in hand, and asked her what happened- the mother told her daughter “That’s bullshit" and beat her with the rope.  And they never discussed it again.

By now long away from mushy- but still craving human touch- intimacy was now totally distorted.  Not to mention witnessing her mother sexually with different men and getting married and divorced.... total distortion.  

It's a wonder our marriage has made it 15 years because I brought all that baggage into our marriage and have made it so hard for my husband.  I'm so thankful for healing and root exposure. 

It's ok Tasha.  His touch is gentle.  He is a good husband.  His infatuation with you is for a lifetime.  He has loved you through it all- it's ok to totally trust him and love him back.  Do you think it's coincidence his love language is touch?  God brought you together for a reason.

You can be the mother YOU want to be.

Be mushy. And sit still for the bikini wax.